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Something personal. A peek into me. Because I know *so* many of you want to peek into me ;)

First of all, I don't consider it a negative thing when I talk about the last relationship I was a part of. I'm not talking to rip into it. Even when I'm in a bad mood I don't rip into it. Those memories are always going to hold a special meaning to me. But I don't want to talk about that. I want to talk about surprise.

There has been a whole lot of surprise in the last couple of months for me. More than the previous 8 or 9 months combined I would say. Unfortunately those surprises were mostly, I would consider, bad things. Now that sucks, but again, that's not where I'm going. I just want to state how surprised I was on the whole by how QUICKLY things between us, Jill and I, changed.

Again, and it feels stupid putting this in here, I don't think this is a bad thing. I'm referring to using names and talking about the past. Yes, I do that. A lot of people do that. I'm in the midst of healing and talking helps. It's good to get things off your chest.

That note ^^ is a perfect example. I'm not saying anything bad, but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I don't want any more anger, or pain or tears or anything else. I may be a stubborn fuck sometimes, but I recognize that it's over. I needed to ask because I like to be clear. Concise. Direct. Direct. I'm talking about us, and I know you read this, so now [direct] I'm talking to you, hun.

My point is that things between us have changed more than I ever thought they would. I never, for the life of me, imagined I would feel awkward around you. Even after we broke up. I didn't. I understand that it's become that way because of the circumstances since then. It wasn't easy living it that fucking apartment, for sure. I think it would have been less difficult for me to have let go if we were able to get some space apart right away. Can't help the past though.

It seems like everything that was familiar between us has changed though. Right down to the bare bones, the memories themselves. I know that there were some really great moments for us, and I know they mean as much to you as they do to me, deep down. I should believe that, cause that's all that's left. Sometimes it feels to me like you've dismissed everything that was good. It's wrong to feel that way, because deep down, yes, I know you've felt what I've felt. We were there. But sometimes I feel alone in those memories. Like every part of me that used to make you smile has faded away, or dulled to nothing. Making you smile was so important to me for such a long time that now, not even talking with you, it sometimes feels like I'm not doing anything right.

Well, that's enough personal matter. Just to be clear Jill, I'm not trying to stir anything up here, I just wanted to talk, but I know you don't want to talk to me. So there's this post. Thanks for listening.