So I wanted to make a blog today for the wrong reason. I'm feeling really sad today. Even typing that makes me shake my head. Yes, I'm sad today. I'm really not feeling good. But I'm not gonna get anywhere if I keep feeling like this. And that's such a problem, you know? Because it's really hard to just change the way you're feeling. It's not impossible, mind you, but really difficult. I mean, for example, I was thinking 'I've lost the most important part of my life.' Hahah, how do you back away from that and replace those feelings with better ones?> You can't. Slowly, I guess. You walk around a lot. In the last couple months, that's what I've learned, if nothing else. You can't sit still or stand still or lay still. You just cry. But if you move around, pacing is more what I end up doing, you can start to let go of it. Like, every step you let out just a little bit of that pristine sorrow. That is a better vocabulary representation of the feeling than 'sadness'.
Okay, so I'm still writing blog entries about this. 'this'. About breaking up. Nothing stays with me this long. At least, nothing has before. I thought moving out would help. And I guess it has. I'm not in our old apartment, alone. Now I'm in my own apartment alone. Big improvement. Hah! Ridiculous.
Jordan's gotta get a hold of himself. Hey, Jordan! JORDAN! Wake up buddy! You broke up two months ago. Get over her.
I'll tell you something. When you don't stop thinking about her, and when no other girl you see compares to her, when you wake up next to naught but memories, and it hurts you, that's something. That's more than just a run-of-the-mill average relationship.
Alright, so now I'm writing how I feel and it's just going to make people laugh at me and think 'poor bastard doesn't know what he's talking about.' But I do. Because I was there. I was part of it. And so was she. And I feel so bad about it, because what used to mean everything to me is being treated like it as nothing but shit. And it wasn't. It was fantastic. It was. It wasn't perfect, but nothing is. It had two people who were willing to work towards that though. And then it didn't. Then it had one. And I'm sorry. Then it had none. And I regret that. I don't regret anything, but I regret that. And now 'it' doesn't exist, and that huge part of my life is extinguished. The flame is snuffed among the cinders of romance and love. And now there are two people who are friends. One who's doing peachy, loving life. And one who needs to get himself in order.
I should stop now. So I'll say this. I have learned at least two things throughout my life, and they both apply; Love exists, and people can change. It does, they can. And more often than not, these two 'lessons' are intertwined. 'It' may be a smoking remainder, nothing to the casual eye. But it still means a lot to me. And I'm not finished writing this story. That can mean whatever you want it to mean right now, but we'll all see how it works out in the end.
Love. Ecstasy, Sorrow, Laughter. Love.
I do still love you. And there's nothing wrong with that.
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