Broken Night.

I woke up super early today so I could drop Jill off at the airport. 5:00am we left. I can't remember the last time I woke up that early. Oh wait, it was the last time I drove her to the airport :P The last time we were still together and I remember all too well how much I missed her after only a day. Just wanted her back. Well this year I don't know how that'll measure up. I've been missing her for a month already.

I dreamt when I got home. I remember it vividly. We were seeing a movie in a theatre and when it was done we talked and I told her I would change, make her happy and that I wanted another chance to make things work between us. She agreed and we kissed, and it was like kissing her again for the first time. The dream was so real. I woke up and for about a second I thought she was in bed with me, beside me.

I'm trying to get over Jill. I really am. But that dream made me so happy. Like, really warm and fuzzy. I don't really know what to do. We're not getting back together, that much I know, but man, that dream is really hitting me in the heart.

I'm a pretty emotional guy, I would say, and I'll admit that I've cried more than a couple times in regards to Jill and I's break-up. But I don't think it's a bad thing. I'm trying to get over her, and if I forced all that deep inside myself, to a place where I wouldn't cry, then I wouldn't be better off, I'd be a walking wreck. She told me how annoying that was to her the other day and I can't get my mind around it. Annoying? Really? I was looking for support, for a friend. I found someone who didn't want to be there, neither for me, nor for herself. I'm not trying to be an asshole, but I just don't get it. I was always there. Like, *always*. Sometimes I would get annoyed, sure, but that was such a superficial feeling compared to the deeper ones of duty, respect and honour. How about love? Love can get you through nearly anything, nevermind a pitiful annoyance with someone's displays of grief.

I'm a little worried. Whilst we were going out Jill and I shared a rather large group of friends. Obviously some are more her friends than mine and vice-versa, but now that we're not together anymore I feel like I've lost touch with the whole of the theatre department. I mean, I'm not even a part of it anymore, but many of them are my friends too. I feel afraid. As soon as I move into my loft I'm going to be alone alone. Alone. Alone. I've always been the one people reached out to, as opposed to the one reaching out to others. I'm afraid that I'm going to completely lose contact with everyone. I don't even feel like myself anymore. And that, too, is scaring me.

I suppose I should wrap this up with some semblance of positive feeling.

I'm not a wreck.

I'm not a loser.

I'm not an asshole.

I'm not forbidden.

I'm not a source of shame. 

I'm not unstable. 

I'm not unimaginative.

I'm not an addict.

I'm not a liar.

I'm not a spy.

I'm not a judge.

I'm not a sissy.

I'm not forsaken.

I'm not poison.

I'm not a cheater.

I'm not a hothead.

I'm not an idiot.

I'm not closed-minded.

I'm not arrogant.

I'm not presumptuous.

I'm not afraid to speak my mind.

I'm not shitting you.