Bring on the Clowns

So I got fired the other day. That was new. You get used to something and you get to thinking that you can pretty much do anything. Then they fire you for something so small it isn’t even fair, so you end up thinking that you can’t really do everything. Then you get a lawyer and fuck them in the ass and you realize, wait a minute, yes, yes I can. Man of action.

My tire popped the other day. I’d just had a bucket of fun with my girlface saying farewell to a good friend of mine and when we backed up my tire was flat. Whether it popped a hole or someone let the air out of it I don’t know, I’ll find out tomorrow. I’m riding around on a doughnut right now. A tiny little spare tire which, ironically, is low on air itself. Boo-urns.

So my dog ate some of my weed. A small baggie must have fallen to the floor and when I found its remnants, there was no weed to be found. Damned dog, groovin’ off my funk.

Things can get pretty hairy in life sometimes, as I’m sure we can all attest. The strange thing is that even though we’re all aware of how bad it can screw up, we’re never fully prepared. Sometimes I get down on myself for not having the right defenses and in times like these it dawns on me that trying to protect yourself can really hurt you. You get so defensively wound up in the bad energy floating around you and you forget what you’re really trying to do. Chill out. I’m a pretty chill guy. Nothing fazes me easily, but even I was feeling pretty overwhelmed.

When the world bears down on you it can really put you in your place. My perspective was slapped around a little there and it really opened my eyes to my own mistakes as a person. I’m not too happy with who I’ve become in the last couple of years. Not to say I regret my actions, but I certainly have let a lot of my discipline slide to the wayside. I’ve put on weight, I smoked more weed, I’ve let my room become a mess of crap, I’ve blown my money.

My friends are really great. I’m so happy with them all. Crowder, my main man, from high school improve to college through to the stoned present, you’ve always been a good friend. He’s welcoming, and warm, and hairy. He’s got a good heart, and a good direction. James, you bastard! Always a big teddy bear of awoddsome. Paul Giamatti, or however you spell his name. You would give me the shirt off your back, and I don’t deserve it. I’m so glad to be your friend, cause I’ve gained a lot through you. Helloooo Ky! La la la. You and James been hanging out a bunch and that really makes me smile. You two go good together. A pair of jews, or a pair of niggers, or a pair of Cubans. Never a moment filled with anything but racism and JON VOiGT! I really like spending time with you. I don’t know how much more of a compliment I can give you, my friends, all my friends, named and unnamed, but I really like spending time with you all. Time well spent.

And of my friends who do I love the most? BAM! Jilly bean. Kick it up a notch. This girl has seen the best and the worst of me and yet she still looks at me with starry eyes. For all the annoying giddiness and cat noises and the kitten voice and the weed-cat-meow/screeching she is an intricately put together piece of art. Baby, you make me feel accepted in full and give me a real reason to get out of the house. I love you.

Music and art and lives full of splash. Beanbags of snickering laughter thrown at one another with childish glee and excitement. A canvas of brilliant light and impenetrable darkness, windows to days and doors to nights, bulwarks of tears and mounds of dreams. I wish I could make a quilt with each dream I have. A quilt made of hope and wonder and ambition, with beautiful images all along it, fantasies of future conquests. Present time. This is my time. I’m twenty-one. I have a wonderful life, boiling with people, possessions and ideas. I can’t ask for anything I can’t go out and make or take. I am excited for the future. I’m excited to see what I can do with my body and mind. Man of action.

To quote myself from the distant past;

Existence is great, and that's the way it is.

I’ll change what I want, when I want, and that’s the way it is.

You excite me, and that’s the way it is.

I work hard for what I get, and that’s the way it is.

I sing when I want, and that’s the way it is.

I want you, and that’s the way it is.

You want me, and that’s the way it is.

All the rest, get out of my way, and that’s the way it is.

I smile and the world better kneel down, and that’s the way it is.