Dreams aren't what they used to be.

I don’t look at women the same way anymore. To look at a woman and feel a real, genuine attraction to them, beyond their looks, is so few and far between that it’s starting to really wear on me. Ever since I was engaged, I haven’t been able to look at women the same. Now, after having felt what I have felt for that one woman, nothing compares. If I don’t feel *that* way about someone I rarely feel any inclination to pursue them at all. Even if there is something there, if it’s not as strong as *that* feeling I had, it’s hard for me to have that mean anything to me. I went out with Alleah, and that was good while it lasted, but what I felt for her was not at all what I felt for Carmen. I have found that in only two other girls since her, and neither of them worked out well. Patty, even though she was younger than I was, I could feel something for, in a way that I hadn’t felt about anyone since Carmen. And Steph, well, Steph has a boyfriend, and it was my heart thinking instead of my head. But now, with people all over the place who I, had I never been engaged, would have felt really attracted to meaning as little as they are in the ways of relationships, it’s so difficult to feel motivated at all. This is what it means to be lonely. Not to long, but to have that longing removed from you. Loneliness through no other means than my own. Not for lack of courage to do something about it, but lack of the feelings themselves that would make use of the courage I do have. And right there, to top it off, if anybody feels anything for me, then they’re set on a path that, in all likelihood, won’t meet its happy ending. I’m not a wreck, by any means, I’m just a man who knows what he wants and knows it’s achievable, but can find it only in so few people it’s emotionally appalling. I’ve tried, lord knows I’ve tried, but I won’t feign interest in someone and force a relationship that shouldn’t be happening. It’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to them. It’s wrong.

It’s time for an explanation with letters. It’s like this: There are A, B & C girls. A’s, you like, but it’s nothing crazy. B’s, you also like, and you like them a little more, you actually have things in common and it’s cool. C’s, though, you usually don’t meet until you’re older. They’re the ones who you know you work with. You click, you’re compatible, you’re connected in ways you’d never thought you could be to another person. All those times when you’re lying in bed, imagining what it’d be like when you’re married and you just can’t quite picture what your wife’s face looks like, or what she’d say or anything about her at all, other than just knowing that she’s right for you and you’re right for her? Well those dreams are C’s. Now most guys will not meet a C until they’re older, and as such, they’re attracted to the A’s and B’s. They’ll have relationships with both of them. With A’s they’ll work for a bit and with B’s they’ll work for months. But now, on the flipside, if you’re one of the guys who have had a C, and lost her, you’re caught in one of life’s many cruel little whirlpools. You don’t feel anything for A’s anymore. They’re nothing compared to a C. B’s? They’re cute. But cute doesn’t cut it. Even though a normal guy could be happy with a B, they just aren’t a C. And that’s a sad place to be in. Because the girl hasn’t changed. There’s the guilt, right there. They are still the great, cool girls that you know you would normally be happy with, but because of you, because of me, there’s something missing. To enter into a relationship with a B, knowing full-well that there’s something that’s just not there, that one day it’ll end, and that I have a well of feelings that the rope of our relationship just isn’t long enough to reach, seems wrong. For the man who has lost a C, nothing compares. It’s not the B girls, it’s me. And I can’t help it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry to you and I’m sorry to me.

This is such an odd post. I just needed to talk, and sometimes, even though I know it’s good to talk with someone, and I know a lot of you people are out there, ready and willing, because you’re good people, you’re good friends, I sometimes talk best to myself.

I don’t regret anything. I don’t wish I had never met Carmen. She was one of the best things ever to happen with me. But I can’t deny that there are some lasting effects that just aren’t very… good. I’m over her, I’m passed her, but I’m on to me. And now knowing, full-well what I am and what I’m capable of, I’ve limited myself. Within my own head.

To finish this somewhat dreary post with a dab of hope, in true Gregoiresque fashion, I’ll retire with a good, uplifting quote and a somewhat satirical question.

“No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head.” - Terry Josephson

And, I have a ‘previously enjoyed’ engagement ring, someone wanna marry me?