1. I like presenting stuff with flair.
2. If I can make a joke, I usually will.
3. My phone has no antenna.
4. My room is messy, with a whole pile of stolen pencil crayons from Galaxy.
5. I have the perfect bite.
6. Upside down squid diagrams remind me of vaginas.
7. My favourite colour is violet.
8. I love zombies.
9. I like punching through things.
10. I used to be a transformer.
11. My grandma spanked me once, and I couldn’t believe my ass.
12. I was a pussy at baseball when I was a kid and wouldn’t swing the bat, hence the nickname, “eagle-eye” which they gave me a stupid attempt to boost my self-esteem.
13. Driving on the parkway is really relaxing.
14. I sing in the shower… perfectly.
15. I once drank a lot of paint-water when I was in Kindergarten.
16. I’ve met, and posed with, Arnold Shwarzenneggar’s stunt double, Peter Kent.
17. I kept some of my semen in a Tupperware container in the fridge once when I was younger.
18. I used to dress goth BEFORE it was popular. Eat it, you sheep.
19. If something looks dangerous, I’ll usually fuck around with it until I hurt myself… twice.
20. I used to swear to God when I lied because, hey, I don’t believe in God.
21. I once ground on my teacher’s desk without thinking she’d notice. She did.
22. I’ve tried staying awake for 72 hours to go clinically insane. All my friends fell asleep at 43. So I feel asleep at 45. Bastards.
23. I still don’t know my times tables.
24. My birthday is Guy Fawkes Day. I think this is very kick-ass.
25. I want to make epic movies when I’m older.
26. I can’t whistle.
27. I want to have purple eyes.
28. I seem to want a lot of stuff.
29. I have an array of belts. One is blatantly a woman’s belt.
30. I wore a dress in grade 12 and was very comfortable… VERY comfortable.
31. I speak French fluently.
32. I paint.
33. I sketch.
34. I ink.
35. I claim to be an artist.
36. Some people understand me. That’s pretty sweet.
37. I’m pretty damned laid back.
38. I used to be engaged.
39. I have a diamond ring. What the Hell am I supposed to do with a diamond ring?
40. I went out with a girl whose name sounds phonetically like that of a dead chick.
41. Werewolves vs. Vampires? Pretty fucking sweet.
42. Sometimes I act as though the rules don’t apply to me.
43. For my grade 12th year I used only the teachers faculty washrooms.
44. I was kicked off our high-school announcements for being too vulgar.
45. My hair has been pink before.
46. I love the smell of white-out.
47. I had a mullet when I was a little kid. Go mullet.
48. I laugh at people I see in the mall who are really, really ugly. But I’m not cruel, I wait for them to pass by first.
49. My closet of clothes needs to be updated.
50. I have absolutely god-awful sleeping habits.
51. I love to party. I love, I love to party.
52. I still listen to Aqua. They are fantastic.
53. I despise “leet-speak”.
54. When people use “gay” as an insult it pains me to see what the human race really is.
55. I have a cheery outlook on the planet.
56. Sometimes I have a miserably cynical outlook on the planet.
57. I have an aptitude for psychology, but I never followed it.
58. A lot of people assume I’m intelligent. Heheheh.
59. I like Chinese food.
60. I like pizza more than Chinese food.
61. I had a rare condition known as Guilliamberry syndrome when I was two. It fucked with my ability to control any of my muscles. Full recovery. Take that God! You fucking pussy!
62. I respect all religions.
63. I tried making my own religion, “Carlin”. It failed miserably.
64. I’m in a band, White Vans & Candy with my buddy James Walker, who lives in Ottowa and my friend Shaun Wong, who *doesn’t* play the drums.
65. Making people laugh makes me orgasm a little. I’m only funny because I’m selfish and greedy. Laugh fuckers, laugh! Louder! Laugh… harder… Oh yeah…
66. I don’t care what anybody says, Gadget from Chip N’ Dale is fucking hot.
67. I keep mementos from cool things in my life.
68. I really like my life.
69. I think people who get all excited about the number 69 are fucking morons.
70. Below is my favourite club in town.
71. You see what I did there? Fucking clever, huh?
72. Shut up.
73. Here’s a fact, I hate you. How about that, fucker?
74. Okay, I’m sorry.
75. I am.
76. How about I dedicate a number for you?
77. Okay, this number, 77, is dedicated to my BEST friend.
78. We good?
79. Aight, peace.
80. My first language is blackanese, but I have since learned whitey, and have lost much of my first language to the ravages of time… and pot.
81. I love hugging people.
82. I don’t like the smell of cigarette smoke.
83. My favourite animal is dogs. Dogs and sharks.
84. I want to leave a legacy.
85. An ultimate goal of my life is glory. I want glory.
86. Being drunk is great, but I’m aware it doesn’t solve problems. I solve my own problems.
87. I love computers, but they hate me.
88. I used to be such a loser.
89. I am now *less* of a loser.
90. I like video-games a fair bit.
91. If I was a barbarian in the 1800’s I would probably be right at home, until I died at twenty-four.
92. I’ve always fantasised about selling everything I own and starting fresh somewhere else.
93. I’m in no rush with my life. I take a lot of things as they come.
94. I sometimes worry I sound arrogant. Then I realise I’m not.
95. Every human is flawed somehow… except me.
96. Given the chance, I would do the right thing, I’m not evil.
97. Everybody loves me. Take that RAYMOND!
98. If you’re my friend, one day, when I’m rich, I’m gonna start a cruise-ship company, and you’ll all be invited for the maiden voyage.
99. Keep on truckin’.
100. Sometimes, when I’m excited, my tail wags… and by tail, I mean penis… and by wags, I mean ejaculates.
101. People are defined by the actions they’ve taken, as opposed to the words they’ve spoken. To truly know me is simply to be around me and to hear what I have to say. Be it a joke or an actual snippet of wit or wisdom, it is a part of myself, extended out for the world. To acknowledge that, to hear it or feel it in yourself; to have that part of me inside yourself is all it really takes to know me. Human beings aren’t that complicated. A hundred little snippets of information is trivial when it comes to just being with someone. You already know me. I’ve been the same person since I was young, I’ve just changed. All in all, the message is this: Have sex with me. That is all.
8 comments:
that was very entertaining to read Jordan... i almsot laughed out loud in my class when you started using the cleverness of using the 70 in 70 Below... then about the laughing = orgasms...
I said it many times before... you're so entertaining. I heart you Jordan.
Oh Man that's great
I knew about the goth thing...tis why i remember you so well...i mean come on...it was quite a shock to see you in overalls and then you come out wearing eyeliner?? lol
you tis awesome
Hehehhe that was so awesome!!
And I'm glad someone else doesn't know their multiplication tables. I suck at math. Like, more than you may realize.
by the way that cartoon is fucking hot
the galaxy pencil crayons were free jordan...
is number 40 about me? Because my name sounds phonetically like that of a dead singer...!
And these rock my socks off...literally. My socks are across the room after reading this!
Actually that was about my first girlfriend, whose name was, literally, Joan of Arc. But come to think of it, your name is *also* that of a dead chick, so sure, yeah, 40 is about you...
I wasn't actually gonna reply and answer you, but the word-code required to post is "legzx". Legzx... that's fucking sweet. It's like, the most extreme legs in the world, with both and x and a z.
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